Becky Spohn and Cherish Johnette unpack how emotional intelligence (EQ) shapes effective leadership and communication. From debunking EQ myths to emphasizing empathy and self-awareness, they share real-life lessons from decades in the field.
In today's episode, Becky Spohn and Cherish Johnette delve into emotional intelligence (EQ) and its significance in professional settings. Together they discuss EQ's components as defined by Daniel Goleman: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. They also address misconceptions about EQ, share personal experiences and emphasize the importance of empathy and effective communication in resolving conflicts.
Sponsor:
This episode is sponsored by ODP Business Solutions!
Becky Spohn: [00:00:00] Everybody has an emotional tie to a project, so knowing how to speak those different languages of each stakeholder really does make a job of an FM easier, and really, our projects run smoother.
Host: Welcome to Connected fm, a podcast connecting you to the latest insights, tools, and resources to help you succeed in facility management. This podcast is brought to you by ifma, the leading professional association for facility managers. If you're ready to grow your network and advance in your career, go to IF month.org to get started.
In today's episode, Becky Spohn and cherish Johnette delve into emotional intelligence, eq, and its significance in professional settings. Together they discuss EQs components as defined by Daniel Goleman, self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. They also address common misconceptions about eq, sharing personal experiences, [00:01:00] as well as emphasizing the importance of effective communication and resolving conflicts.
And if you're interested in learning more about this topic, don't miss Becky's session at World Workplace on September 18th at 4:00 PM titled, you Talk Into Me Effective Communication using eq. Now let's get into it.
Becky Spohn: Hello, I am Becky Spohn, CFM, FMP. I just celebrated my 25th anniversary in FM and actually 23 years with IFMA. I'm a lifelong student of human behavior and I really geek out over what makes humans tick, and that's what drew me to emotional intelligence. As with anything, nowadays the internet is flooded with information on EQ and it can be like drinking from a fire hose.
My intent on this podcast today is to have fun and drill down in on [00:02:00] some of the most important need to know information and misconceptions, starting with my favorite definition of emotional intelligence, and that's from Daniel Goldman. He defines emotional intelligence or EI, or eq, emotional quotient as the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions, as well as the ability to recognize, understand, and influence the emotions of others.
I wanna dive into that a little bit deeper today. Goldman's definition comprises four main components.
Self-awareness. Self-management, social awareness, relationship management. Okay, so here's where I really start to geek out everybody. So my self-awareness has taught me that I can go down rabbit holes and get lost in tangents. So I've asked my colleague Cherish to join me today to keep me on track.
Cherish, please introduce [00:03:00] yourself and tell us why you believe EQ is important.
Cherish Johnette: Thanks Becky. So, hi, my name is Cherish Johnette. I have a 25 year career in nonprofit organizations in a variety of roles. So I've been in operations, hr, leadership development. I'm a certified ICF coach and I spend a lot of time with people talking about eq, but for me personally eQ has been the factor in my career that's made me successful.
So I've always leaned into relationships to get the work done, and I found it's impossible to build strong relationships without really an understanding of emotional intelligence. So I spend a lot of time coaching leaders and organizations, and every session is full of these moments where people reflect on their EQ application.
So Becky, I know we were talking about this concept and you attended one of my sessions. Why did you decide that this is something you wanted to bring to [00:04:00] World Workplace?
Becky Spohn: You know, I just love learning and I'm always looking for helpful tips. So, I loved your sessions because I did learn some new things about EQ and a little secret when I attended your EQ trainings. I had already submitted to speak at World Workplace. I had just not been notified yet that I've been selected.
But I'll tell you where the idea came from. So I was at World Workplace in 24 and I was talking with some other fms and you know, we were just talking about the sessions we had been in, and I asked, you know. What did you wanna hear or learn this year that wasn't offered? And we got into a conversation about generations in the workplace and because I guess that was coming up a lot in sessions, and I said, oh, so you wanna learn more about generations in the workplace?
And somebody said, no, not really. I know generations are different. She said, but I've got some in. The [00:05:00] same generation that don't get along, you know, and don't get along with other generations. So we, that brought on a whole nother conversation of how to have everyone in different levels of our team getting along.
And I said, okay, so what it sounds like is. We really wanna know more about EQ or emotional intelligence. And the table kind of erupted and you know, and somebody said, oh, eq, here we go, another buzzword, right? And I'm like, no, EQ is not a buzzword. So I tried to go into that a little bit with them and talk about that definition.
So if you had that come up where somebody has just said, you know, Hey, eq, that's the latest buzz word.
Cherish Johnette: I think that's really common, but you know, buzzword or not, when you really dive into what is in eq, I don't think anyone would disagree that these components are vital. For someone's success at work or even just general [00:06:00] happiness. So what I've really thought a lot about is the idea that our work is interdependent with others and we work in a system and that comes with so much complexity.
And so you need to have these skills in order to be successful. And you know the majority of jobs now you have to work. Through and with other people, and that's where EQ really comes in. And you set up Goldman's model of the understanding of self-awareness and self-management. You know, recognizing and understanding your own emotions.
But being able to recognize and understand and influence the emotions of someone else, that's where it gets really complex. And I think more and more like we are just in a place now, that is even more challenging as we're in the workplace and there's so much stress and strain on the people that are coming in to do the work together.
So if you know, at the end of the day, buzzword or not, if you are hiring someone, select and [00:07:00] selecting someone for a. An important assignment and you had one person that like had high EQ and another that hasn't really leveraged that skillset yet. I think you would definitely look at going with the person that really shows the EQ skill.
So to me it's not just about the word, it's the actions underneath what the word represents. And so I think like. The fact that, you know, we all are in this complex, interdependent work. And I know you're getting ready to talk to a bunch of facility managers about this. How do you see this tying back to their reality.
Host: Managing a facility comes with enough challenges. Sourcing supplies shouldn't be one of them. ODP Business Solutions makes it easy to stock up on trusted cleaning products, break room must haves, and all the things you need to run things right. Whether you're in healthcare, [00:08:00] hospitality, professional cleaning, or more, they are your reliable source.
To keep your spaces spotless, your teams productive, and your customers happy. Visit odp business.com to learn more.
Becky Spohn: Yeah. You know, as fms, we are always leading up and down the ladder. And what I mean by that is our jobs require us to be able to communicate effectively with frontline staff, contractors, end users, C-suite. Each of those stakeholders can speak a different language, if you will, right? They all have different emotional ties to the project.
My CFO has a different tie than, my painter does, right? But everybody has an emotional tie to a project, so knowing how to speak those different languages of each stakeholder really does make a job as of an FM easier, [00:09:00]and really, our projects run smoother. So going back to Goldman's definition, managing your own emotions as well as the ability to recognize and understand and influence the emotions of others, right?
So I believe this can bring about a misconception. So again, back to that conversation at World Workplace last year, I had someone else ask me, oh, so EQ is about manipulating others. And I'm like, no, not as you would think of manipulation as a negative. Right. EQ is about influencing or manipulating, if you wanna use that word in a positive sense.
Right. And let me use an example of this. So have you ever been in a meeting that went off the rails? I think, yeah, right. We all have, I think, right. And whether it was us that derailed it or somebody else in the room. So let me use an example. Let's say a project is running behind schedule [00:10:00] and finger pointing is going on at a stakeholder meeting.
So I'll use some names. I've changed them to protect the innocent. Right. So let's say Amy couldn't deliver the project on time, so she blames Ed. The project is behind because Ed didn't get his portion done and I couldn't finish my portion. Now, ed is defensive because Amy has influenced Ed's emotions.
She's already called Ed out. Hey, I'm late because Ed's late. So now, good or bad, she just influenced the way Ed's gonna reply. So he couldn't get his project done on time or his portion because the materials were on back order. But now Ed's embarrassed, maybe a little angry at Amy for calling him out in front of everyone.
So his voice goes up. Hey, it's not my fault. The materials are late. I'm doing the best I can. Now Ed's influenced Amy's emotions, so now she's mad that Ed yelled at her [00:11:00] and, you know, we start to mirror each other and then when one person's voice goes up, the next person's voice goes up. So it gets a little out of control at that point, you know?
So that mirroring mode. So if we take a time out and go, okay, wait a minute. Let me go back. How can I have empathy and how can I soften my language? So when Amy came at Ed, ed could have manipulated or influenced the emotions quite a bit differently. A couple of ways that could have gone better. Ed could have paused to recognize and understand the emotion behind Amy's comments, right?
She's getting pressure because the project is behind schedule. And maybe he could have said, Hey, Amy, I understand how you feel. I am very disappointed as well as we are all still waiting for the materials to be delivered. Same message, softer approach, right? Or even [00:12:00] if we took it a step back, Amy could have had more empathy for Ed and the position he's been put in by the manufacturer.
And Amy could have said something as simple as, Hey, as we are all aware, the project is behind schedule as we wait for the delivery of materials. So just by softening the edge. You know, before we dive in, it can save so much anger and resentment and raised voices in a meeting, right? And this is something I learned from you cherish is just by softening the edge before you ask the question, you know?
And the examples would be like, Hey, what I really like about what you're saying is, or. What we can consider is, I understand how it's just having that bit of empathy and understanding before we dive in with our anger or our emotions. Let me not say just anger, you know, hurt [00:13:00] feelings, whatever that is.
Yeah.
Cherish Johnette: What I really love about that story too is there's this feeling of like responsibility of how I show up for others and the fact that like my interaction can really, set the course differently in the conversations. And what's really interesting is you're always still working with people.
And so the same people in a lot of times, so the way that one experience happens, like filters into the next experience and the next experience and next experience. And so when people stay responsible to how they show up themselves and how they are treating others, I think that just feeds.
And if it goes the other way, then that like shows up in the next interaction you have with that person. Yeah. Love that story.
Becky Spohn: Yeah.
Cherish Johnette: You know, I'm thinking about the other misconceptions and for me, one, when I first started with emotional intelligence was that you suppress or [00:14:00] ignore your emotions and it's about being nice and positive and you know, that was something I, I still struggle with today because that was my mis.
Misconception. And I think a lot of people, like when we talk about eq, they stop at that side of the puzzle. You know, what is my self-awareness and what is my self-management? And really self-management I think is what a lot of people see. Emotional intelligence through the lens, but there's so much more to it.
And when I first started, I thought I, had really high EQ and until I really started to gain a deeper understanding of all of the quadrants and all that's involved. So I have really good self-management. Like I can fix my face, I show up calm, I'm cool. Like the other side of the pillow, I'm collected.
And you know, but on the other end, my inner emotions can run out of control. You know, I could be in my brain as I'm like calm and collected and so like I [00:15:00] can suppress and avoid the cues my emotions are giving me. And, my entire career I've powered through and I'm just now realizing how that served me very well in some cases, but it's also hindered me in a lot of ways.
So I think one of the misconceptions that I've found is that a person with high EQ doesn't avoid conflict. They approach it with, you know, the self-awareness and the empathy and having the responsibility for a constructive resolution in the tough challenging times so they don't pretend to be happy or positive.
You know, toxic positivity. They acknowledge their feelings and can figure out how to deal with it in a healthy way. And that's probably the journey I'm still on when I think about my personal emotional intelligence. So really the mastery comes with not just suppressing, but it's being in control of your emotions and not letting those emotions control [00:16:00] you.
Becky Spohn: Yeah. Yeah. I, that, that's powerful. I think that's worth repeating. Being in control of your emotions and not letting your emotions control you. And that is really what brings in that self-awareness and self-management components of EQ into focus and full disclosure, that's what brought me to researching EQ in the first place.
I blew up myself. I did right. So, actually a little teaser here in my session at World Workplace I will be very vulnerable and share an incredibly personal and quite embarrassing story when I was not so self-aware and lost. All self-management and my emotions definitely controlled me.
So I'll share that story there. And I believe my story will give others hope, right? If I can start with such a low value [00:17:00] of emotional intelligence. At the time I only knew it as anger management, right? I wasn't aware of emotional intelligence. At the time and if I can start that low and come so far, anyone can.
Right. So, I'm curious, cherish, what would you say is your best advice around eq?
Cherish Johnette: Yeah, I think you know where to start. Best advice is just to spend time getting to the core of your emotions, really expanding your self-awareness. One of the things I love to say is it's about responding to the environment, responding to others, and not reacting. And so response there's this ability to have the power in, how you want to show up and how you're gonna respond to something as opposed to the reaction that just happens. And I love the Victor Frankl quote that says, between stimulus and response, there is a space. And in that space is our power to [00:18:00] choose our response. And in our response lies our growth in our freedom.
And you know, I just love the idea of like. We have power to choose. So my best advice really is just to learn more because it's kind of like the, Bader Meinhof phenomenon that once you see it, you can't unsee it, and then you start to like pull it in yourself and redirect yourself. And then you start to see it in others and you know how to react in a different way.
So probably the best advice though is that I would. Send people off into your session so that they could have that entry point of learning and growing. So, what's, what best advice will you be giving people before they attend your session?
Becky Spohn: I would say before you come to the session, be aware. Be self-aware, socially aware. Take note of your own reactions. I love that. You know, respond, not react. When are you reacting in situations and when do you give yourself a moment to respond?[00:19:00]
Right? How do others handle situations? We've all been in those meetings or had things happen where, you know, maybe a group of people are told something and. Everybody reacts differently, or some people take it very offensive while other people are like, Hey, that's great. I love this idea. So. Start to notice that, be that social aware.
Be self-aware. And what would you do the same or what would you do different? Is there a situation that you're like, man, I wish I could hit the rewind or replay button on that. Right. I would encourage you to check out the syllabus for my World Workplace session. It's titled You Talking to Me.
Effective communication using eq. There's a link to a self-assessment that would be very helpful and we'll look at it as a group during the session. So it's through psychology Today. So again the link and everything is in that syllabus for the session at World [00:20:00] Workplace. And again, I wanna thank you for joining me today, cherish.
I really appreciate you. And of course, thank all of you for listening today. I look forward to seeing all of you at World Workplace on September 18th at 4:00 PM is my session. You talking to me? Effective communication using eq.
Host: Thanks for tuning into the Connected FM podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, please take a moment to rate and review the show because it really helps us reach more listeners just like you. And don't forget to hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode. See you next time.